A week from this coming Saturday is my birthday. It also happens to be Yom Kippur the Jewish Day of Atonement:

The name “Yom Kippur” means “Day of Atonement,” and that pretty much explains what the holiday is. It is a day set aside to “afflict the soul,” to atone for the sins of the past year. In Days of Awe, I mentioned the “books” in which G-d inscribes all of our names. On Yom Kippur, the judgment entered in these books is sealed. This day is, essentially, your last appeal, your last chance to change the judgment, to demonstrate your repentance and make amends.

The last few years, I have tried ignoring my birthday. I can’t explain why I feel the way I do but, I often find the occasion a bit of a disappointment.

I was thinking the other day how somewhere in my early 30’s birthdays became less about celebrating and more about looking at all the things in life I have unfinished or unfulfilled. The last few years haven’t been easy when it comes to b-days, I can’t think of one since we entered the new millennium which has come at a good time.

Four years ago (in 2000), my birthday fell at the end of one of the most arduous six months I have ever lived through - between getting hit by a bicyclist, watching one client fold and another move rapidly in the same direction, injuring my hand, being told I had cancer, watching my uncle pass and then having surgery myself to remove a “mass.”

Three years ago (2001), we had the whole September 11th thing and I can’t really say it was much the time for celebrating (although I do remember having a very nice dinner at Lupa - taking a cab down Houston Street and seeing all the heavy equipment lined up for the salvage of Ground Zero.

Two years ago (2002), there was another personal crisis that had ended before the b-day.

...and last year (2003), my partner of seven years decided it was time for us to split.

As I write it though, I have to admit, I find myself laughing. I’m still here so in the inimitable and indomitable spirit I find myself saying fuck it.

This year, regardless of the irony of the bday falling on the “Day of Atonement,” I think I’ll go back to my original plans of those bdays of my early 30’s and just try to ignore it and have a good day.

Besides, if I can do the things I want to with this year, maybe next year I’ll have a lot more worth celebrating..